Groom is our cousin, but kids call him "Uncle." We are a small but close family, and to date, the kids have been involved and/or invited to all the family weddings. Bride is 41 %26amp; this is her first wedding too; she has said "no kids invited." No flower girls, no ring bearer, no jr bridesmaids, etc. My girls are 14 %26amp; 11 and very mature. Money is NOT the issue. I'm hurt and want to skip her shower. Kids are hurt, as they wanted to see their "uncle" get married. 90 yr old grandma of groom is devasted the whole family won't be at reception. Your thoughts on this couple and on a fitting shower gift if you think I should go. Will award points for best answer. Thanks.
Should teen %26amp; preteen kids be invited to a family wedding?
Here's the thing: it's their wedding and they get to choose the guest list. They have chosen not to invite any children. That's an end to it.
This is not coming from someone who dislikes children, either. One of the highlights of my wedding was watching the kids play together. As a child I adored going to weddings. I've never seen a kid at a wedding in my circle get out of hand or cause anything to go horribly wrong.
But not everyone agrees that children should be at weddings. Some feel it's inappropriate, some have had bad experiences with children at weddings, and some have a kid in their lives who they know will cause untold misery should he or she be invited...and once the rule is made, no exceptions can be allowed.
You are hurting badly right now. How much worse would it be if you go without your children and discover that someone else was allowed to bring theirs? Well, that's how much worse other parents will feel if they go to this wedding and see your daughters there.
I think if you love your cousin, then you should do your best to suck it up and try to get to know the bride better. She's waited a long time to have her wedding and the last thing she - or your cousin - needs is to be rejected by the family for wanting to do it her way. For all you know, her family may believe that it's wrong to invite children to weddings. There are some families like that.
For the record, my parents were invited to several weddings without me and my brothers over the years. If they loved one or both of the couple, they went, gave as nice a gift as they could come up with, and left us at home as they were asked. When that happened, I was always disappointed, but I survived. I wasn't invited to any of my cousins' weddings nor to those of several close friends of the family who I called 'uncle' or 'aunt', but nobody made a big deal of it. Was I disappointed? Yes. But I also accepted that they chose not to invite me for whatever reason...and I know it wasn't my inability to behave myself.
Go to the shower. Give something you think they will enjoy and be able to use. Resist all temptation to choose an insulting gift. Be the bigger person. Most of all, don't hurt your cousin because you don't like how his lady is planning the wedding.
They have every right to make up the guest list they way they see fit.
ETA: It was rude of them to steal a kid's thunder by announcing their engagement at a child's birthday party. Also, if you haven't had confirmation from the bride or groom that the event is adults only, it might be wise to double check before raising a fuss. Third parties have been known to be mistaken before.
Reply:If you aren't giving a gift because they are not allowing kids at a wedding, I think that is petty. Don't give a gift for other reasons. Finances, etc.
If they do not want kids at the wedding, that is their prerogative and their choices should be respected.
Frankly I would wait to see if the bride and groom states that on the invitation instead of getting all hurt about it now. They MAY change their mind and allow kids.
Reply:honestly she knew very well she was marrying into a close net family and that everyone went as a family to these events, i think that it is disrespectful that she has said no children....i mean your kids arent tots running aroung there little ladies that know how to behave in this setting.
And i cant really blame the family for being angry and not wanting to go. if you are that upset then dont go to her shower, i dont think that you are over reacting, i think your reasonings are legite and understandable.
If you do decide to go to the shower and she is registered buy her something that you feel is a reasonable amount, other than that i wouldnt go out of your way to spend lots of money if she cant except his neices and have them at the wedding. good luck!
Reply:Of course! Children of all ages should be at weddings, after all they are FAMILY celebrations. I think it's very rude for couples to not have everyone in families at weddings! I just frankly think a wedding would be NO FUN without children there! Parents know how to control their children, they know to take kids out of the church if they are fussy, etc.
It's just really IMPORTANT for children to be there to learn and experience the wedding. They learn by example, after all! Going to the ceremony teaches them the immense importance of getting married, and being able to celebrate with everyone else at the reception lets them be around family they may not see often, and develop their social skills - visiting, and learning to dance! I think if couples want an 'adults only' affair, then plan a party at a bar or something - not just bar children and teens from a wedding.
We've never been in this circumstance, but if it weren't very close family, I think we'd be very tempted to just not go. We do EVERYTHING together as a family!
If you do decide to go to the shower, make the gift something modest and nondescript, like a towel set. For the wedding, if you go, again - something simple - like a vase or serving platter.
Reply:Just because the 'family member' said no kids, doesn't mean that's the truth. They may have misunderstood. And if it is true, there may be an age limit. I would wait until I know for sure what the guidelines are going to be before I got upset. A birthday party is not the place to announce a wedding, but that's past. As far as the shower, if your family is close, and your kids call the cousing 'uncle', why would you be considering not going? It may be a 'bridal' shower, but ultimately the gifts are for both, as is the support. And keep in mind, it's THEIR wedding...they can do it however they want!! (espcialy if they're paying for it themselves)
Reply:First, I thought of doing an adults only reception because of the cost... and because I have a mooch of a cousin who has 7 wild children. HER kids are the only reason I considered an adults only reception. You can't invite one family's kids and not another. Not only that, but I'd be feeding a family of NINE and they would probably stuff a bag full of left overs and not even bring so much as a card! So that makes a sticky situation.
This couple might also be planning activities not suitable for kids. Not sure what that might be... a racy garter toss or something... who knows!?
At any rate, whether or not you think they *should* invite kids, it's THEIR party and they get to invite whoever they want. It's not anyone else's place to tell them who they need to invite. And they do not have to explain their reason to you or anyone else.
If you decided to host a New Year's Eve party where you planned adults only, with drinking and smoking and other activities that you felt should not includ kids, would you want someone to tell you that you HAD TO invite their kids because a party at your home with relatives SHOULD include kids?
Is it fair of you to boycot just because you do not agree with the type of atmosphere that they decided to have?
This is one of those situations where you need to get over yourself and your kids. If you want to support the couple and share in their day, then go. If you want something that includes kids, host a picnic at your home and invite the family over.
Reply:Well, the hosts set the guest list. There could be very good reasons why this couple is not including children at their wedding. Maybe they are blowing their budget and this is what they can afford. I can understand why you're hurt -- every parent thinks their child is special (I'm sure your children are) and should be included in every family event. However, the bride %26amp; groom have decided to have an adults-only event. You shouldn't be upset by this. Not everyone wants to have children around at all times. Instead, think of this as a night away -- just you %26amp; your hubby.
Don't skip the shower -- that wouldn't be very nice. As for 90yo Grandmother, I'm afraid she'll have to get over it. If you want the "whole family together" then have a picnic before or after the wedding and invite everyone. You don't need a wedding to get the family together. The bridge %26amp; groom should not be expected to finance your family's reunion.
Edited to add: It was very uncool of them to announce their engagement at a child's birthday party. They should not have taken away from her day.
About the invitations, the couple doesn't have to tell you, "to your faces," kids aren't invited. That's what the invitation is for. If the invitations says Mr. %26amp; Mrs. YOUR NAME -- that's it. You two are invited %26amp; not the kids. If the invitation lists your kids name or says The YOUR NAME Family or Mr. %26amp; Mrs. and Family -- then you are all invited.
Reply:I'm sorry but maybe they have their reasons for not inviting everyone. It's their wedding and the best thing you can do is be understanding and accommodating.
Reply:I think its crappy, I had kids of all ages at my wedding and they had a blast! This 10 year old little boy left the wedding tellin his mom he wanted to marry his little girlfriend and have a wedding just like mine....lol! We had open bar and everything and noone complained...weddings are about family to me and I had 4 kids in my wedding party b/c kids are family too!
However, some people don't feel the same as you and I and it is them footing the bill on this. they have the right to say and do what they want with this. I'm sure they feel like if they have your kids they have to have everyones and a lot of kids won't be as mature as yours will. Some people want an adult affair and thats just part of it sometimes. I don't agree but its their money. If you are so offended then don't go to the shower....bring them a decent gift to the wedding and stick it out and then you and hte grandparents and everyone else can whine about how they handled it later..haha!
Reply:ofcourse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:You don't know the reasons for an adults only reception. If it is rude not to invite your children, it would be MUCH more rude for you to make a stink about it. I'm sure they didn't omit your girls by mistake. It was probably a decision they made after a lot of consideration, and to bring it up will make everyone uncomfortable. Attend the shower, go to the wedding without the kids. If they are as mature and well-behaved as you say, then they will understand and not throw a fit about it.
Reply:Don't be hurt...it wasn't a personal decision. They decided no kids, and since it's their wedding, they are the ones who get to make the final decision. If they had invited other kids, but not yours, I might see it differently, but since it's an across the board decision, you really need to just roll with it. And please know that it has nothing to do with how mature your kids may be as compared to others...they are simply planning a no-kids wedding, which happens all the time (I didn't read the other answers, but some people believe that children should never be invited to any wedding...be prepared to hear that answer, too!).
My thoughts on the couple are that they know what they want, and are in the process of getting it. Good for them!
If you really want to celebrate with them, and with the kids, have a small (just them %26amp; your immediate family) reception for them when they get home from their honeymoon. Plan a bbq in the backyard, and bust out the boom-box. You can still dance and make merry, and the bride will still get the wedding she has always dreamed of.
Reply:I'm sorry, but this is their decision, and although it is disappointing to the children, it is the couple's right to invite or not invite those they see fit...maybe the reason they are saying no to children is because she has relatives with young children, and it simply wouldn't be fair to invite yours and not theirs, and maybe they are a bit younger...it is an agonizing decision to have to make...please give her some breathing room, as she has alot on her plate as is, and I'm sure she isn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings...just think of it as a night out with your husband...and the groom is going along with it, too, so why is the bride bearing the blame? Yes, you should go to the shower, and properly congratualte them. Buy the same sort of gift you had planned to buy before you knew your children weren't included.
Reply:Is an adult party such a bad thing? Not really. Announcing it at the birthday party was probably not the best idea, but there is nothing you can do about it now.
There are positives to having an all adult reception. You and your husband can have a night out. A romantic night out without children is a beautiful thing!!!
And I know you might not like their decision, but it is THEIR wedding, and you shouldn't be mad at them for their choice. I'm quite sure they didn't do it just to spite you and your daughters.
If you are close to the groom, you should go to support him. The shower is not just for her, it's for both of them. Are the kids invited to that?
My cousin recently got married, and had a adult reception. The children of the family were, however, invited to the ceremony. The younger cousins (both about your daughters age) handed out programs and greeted guests as they came in. After the wedding the kids all went to my Aunt's house and had a big old slumber party there, while the adults were whooping it up at the reception. Maybe your daughters can get together with the other kids of the family and have a slumber party. That would keep them occupied for the night, and they would have a really good time.
Good luck.
Reply:Some people choose to invite children, some don't. My fiancee and I have decided not to invite children under 18 for two reasons, the main one being we are not close to any of the younger children in our extended families and the other is our guest list is already too long. I understand from reading your question that these two details don't apply to your situation but there could be another reason. If it really bothers you, ask your cousin, not the bride. He is apt to be more honest with you.
Edit: It was kind of rude of them to announce their engagement at a children's birthday party though.
Reply:Wow that's a bit odd. I would talk to your cousin and see what the issue would be with inviting your girls. 14 and 11 is much different than 4 and 1. If you all are that close I would hope some allowance could be made.
Reply:the kids are family so they should be invited
if you don't go to the shower then you are not obligated to give a gift
if you go to the wedding, you need to have given a gift at some time
how does the groom feel about this?
personally, a wedding with all generations in attendance is a true picture of family life...if you are marrying into a family, what a wonderful way to start your part of the family life but with all generations of the family in attendance...this bride thinks she is all that and is not about family, yet
Reply:In my opiniion, kids should be invited to a wedding, no matter
their age. How do they learn to behave properly if they never
experience anything. Any person (s) who think it is ok not
to invite close relatives (no matter the age) to share in the
happiest day of their life is totally selfish and self absorbed.
She needs nothing from you for a shower gift if she doesn`t
want to accept your children. Your cousin seems to want it
that way or would have said something to you as to why he
thinks it is ok not to have your kids at the wedding.
When we were invited to affiars like this and our children
were not, we considered it to be judgemental as to the raising of our children. and declined saying we had to stay
home with our kids. Even when they were teens we said this.
Because they were more important to us than having a good
time at a wedding or what ever the occasion .
Reply:First, it's always tacky to announce your engagement at a party being thrown for someone else. So that wasn't very cool of them.
But, it's still their wedding and if they don't want kids then that's their choice. Leave the kids at home with a sitter or send them to a friend's place for the night. I wanted to see my aunt get married when I was 12 (she was 21) but it was also "no kids" so I couldn't go. I got over it!
Oh, but they haven't even said this to you themselves? Then it's just a rumour and I wouldn't worry yourself about it until you get the invitation that says "Mr and Mrs Smith" and not "Mr and Mrs Smith and Kids." Still, this is their decision and I'm sure you can leave the kids for one night.
Sorry, I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear!
Reply:I would ask her straight up. I am not allowing children at my wedding either because I dont want anyone running around knocking things over. It's nothing personal to you, the bride just doens't want to have to feel that she needs to keep an eye on kids so that they dont ruin the most important day of her life. I say respect her wishes or just dont go altogether. Its their wedding and their choice. If you ask her, she may also say that she meant like no one under 10 kind of "kids" and that teenagers like your kids are ok. You never know until you ask.
Reply:Yes of course they should be, providing that they are going to wear smart suits and that they will be on their best behavior, I have seen plenty of children go to weddings. God just because people are younger it doesn't mean they can't turn up to important social events such as weddings!
Reply:Talk to your cousin! You may be jumping to conclusions on faulty or partial information. If the announcement came at your daughter's party, then it seems there may be more at play here than you are aware of. Since the couple hasn't "stepped up to the plate," as you say, then this may all be a misunderstanding.
This is Her wedding and, therefore, Her day. If she has decided she doesn't want children at her wedding, then that should be acceptable. Not everyone are comfortable having children in social "adult" situations regardless of how well-behaved or mature said children may or may not be. However, that being said, I know as a parent, our children can be our soft spot and our blind spot and not inviting them can be viewed as a snub. i would check with the couple before I got too hasty, a similar occurrence happened in my wife's family and the "no children" rule was only meant for those who were not family. Also, bear in mind that any snub against the bride is a snub against the groom. If the no children rule is for all children, and you really don't want to be a part of their day, then I would send a modest gift from her registry with a polite RSVP saying that you will be unable to attend.
Reply:I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. We are suggesting the same thing at our wedding next May, that there be no children. We are only doing that because of cost. Everyone has to understand when you have and plan a wedding you have to pay full price for children 12 and under if you do not have the exact amount to fill the room. If we were able to include the children in we would but cost wise we can not. You never know what the bride and grooms reasons are but they must have a good reason. I have plenty of neices, nephews and cousins but we just don't have all that extra money to pay for all those kids and you have to realize some people they can't handle their children and they misbehave too and the parents just let them run around, so you have to think about all of the reasons they may have. Just my opinion.
Reply:Did the bride say this or a random family member? If you haven't heard it from the bride, then maybe you should ask her. You don't have to be rude, just ask. You can explain that you won't be able to attend the wedding but not the reception if the kids can't be there.
Usually, this is because the bride and groom expect the reception to be flowing with alcohol. It's difficult to be upset with a couple that is concerned for your kids safety.
Reply:Wow this really sucks, in my family when someone is married all children are invited and no one is excluded because of their age! The bride probably comes from a small family with no kids or they're not close or something. That is not fair. If that happend in my family, hardly anyone would show up at the wedding because everyone would not be able to find a sitter! omg that is terrible. But anyway, hmmm, you should go ahead and go to the shower, and mention to the bride, politely how your children feel about missing their uncles wedding. Just get her a gift she registered for.
Reply:What would I do- Go talk to your cousin. Explain that most of the family is upset about the "no kids invite" and if your children that are mature can't attend than you wouldn't be their there to show your support. To you and your family- FAMILY comes first. I would feel hurt too.
If this is really not an issue than consider it a break from the kids and let them spend the night at a friends house.
I believe that family comes first and children are what make a family!!! I really believe it's your future cousin so-to-be brides idea to not include child b/c she is older.
I do think bridal showers are for adult so go to this and get her some oils and massage "toys" or if money is not that tights how about a gift of a massage at the spa for her and your cousin as a couple.
Yes you should feel this way- HURT about them being so selfish and Unconsidered about not wanting their FAMILY to be there to see them at one of the most important milestone of their lives.
Hope your cousin see it like this but like I said it's probably his soon-to-be wife.
Good Luck to you- It's a tough decision and I believe your children are old enough to feel really hurt be this and explain that to your cousin. Ask he to tell the children and If he is really going to tell them that he doesn't want them there than he is a selfish and unloving "uncle".
Next time there a child's B-day party tell her no adults are invited if they don't have children. See how she feels not to included in family functions.
It was very rude to annouce it at a child's b-party and then turn around and say but NONE OF YOU CHILDREN ARE INVITE . She should really learn how to hold her tounge. She is what I call the relative from HELL and she is going to try to create drama in your family.
Good Luck Again!!
Reply:I wouldnt even bother this it is her wedding but its also a family thing and I just dont see it. My step daughter was my flower girl my daughter was my maid of honor my son was ring bearer and my step son untied the rings and handed them to us. They were 7,8,9,10 at the time. She's not being very nice. Get her a lump of coal and tell her maybe it will help warm her heart cause it is COLD!!!
Reply:Weddings with child restrictions are a big turn off for families with children. Maybe you should confront the bride and the groom and ask them if you can bring your girls.
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